omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
