I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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