this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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