the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
