Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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