Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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