Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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