I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
