im six kinds of drunk right now
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
