she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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