Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
