is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
