I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize