After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
