I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
