Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
