Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
