paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
this just has baby written all over it
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
