Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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