Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
