I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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