the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
