And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
