Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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