see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
