I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
