Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
