I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I cannot find my penis.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
