hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
