Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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