3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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