At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
