just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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