this beer tastes like vomit already
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
