i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
