My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
