I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
