i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
