i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
