Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
