At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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