He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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