remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
