She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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