Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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