Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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