Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
