Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
