i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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