i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
