Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
im on a boat
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