I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
