afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
