farters have to be the big spoon...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
