im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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