I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
