my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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