i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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