She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
