Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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