you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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