There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
