who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
being pregnant is like rehab
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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